Allison Butler, psychology professor and director of the Innovation and Design Experience for All program at Bryant University.
Striving for perfection might seem like a positive trait, among kids and adults alike.
But perfectionism doesn't make your children any more likely to become successful adults, research shows — and it's a contributing factor to mental health issues like anxiety and low self-esteem.
The reason: Perfectionist children are typically extremely self-critical and likely suffer anxiety over the possibility of making any mistake in any aspect of their lives, from school projects to playing sports, says Allison Butler, a psychology professor and director of the Innovation and Design Experience for All program at Bryant University.
"It's defined as, basically, holding yourself to excessively high standards or perceiving external pressures to be perfect and wanting to please others and have others perceive you as flawless and faultless," Butler tells CNBC Make It.
Her advice for the parents of perfectionists: Help your kids reframe how they think about mistakes. Learning to accept mistakes and view them as learning opportunities can help keep those missteps from becoming the source of added stress or depression, she says.
"A perfectionist is trying to be effective, successful [and] to do well ... You can be more confident in that desired outcome if you have opened yourself up to feedback and testing and prototyping along the way," Butler says.
Reframe how they view mistakes and feedback
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In her classes, Butler teaches "design thinking," a methodology for solving problems or coming up with ideas. It involves researching your problem, brainstorming solutions and seeking critical feedback to strengthen those solutions before implementing them.
"This is a methodology that runs completely counter to the way I would imagine a perfectionist would want to work," says Butler. "A perfectionist would want to get everything just right before they would invite anyone in to come see their solution."
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Parents can easily use concepts from design thinking to help their children have less anxiety over potential mistakes, she says. You can normalize the process of working through your hiccups by discussing projects and tasks you're working on and, when appropriate, soliciting your child's opinions on what you've done so far and how to solve any problems.
Butler also suggests openly talking with your child about mistakes you've made — whether at work or on projects around the house — and how you learned from them and moved on.
By doing that, Butler says, you're "creating a culture in the home where the entire family is sort of sharing their work and saying, 'Hey, let me see what you're working on. Oh, that's a really cool idea. Can I build on your idea? Maybe you might think about this way?'"
Make the feedback process fun
Show your child that the process of seeking out feedback, so you can fine-tune your idea or project, can be fun, Butler says.
The next time they want to redesign or rearrange their room, for example, you can ask them to jot down their ideas first. If they like drawing, ask them to sketch out their dream bedroom. If they're a charismatic talker, give them a stage so they can deliver a presentation to the rest of the family. It'll create an opportunity for constructive feedback before anyone breaks out paint cans or moves heavy furniture.
Learning to accept and implement feedback can help children work better in group settings, too — an important future career skill that'll help them bond with peers.
"When you come together with a group to accomplish something, you feel really connected to those people that you've worked with," Butler says. "In this time, when we're very concerned about the mental health of young people, when we can give them a shared experience, where they're active, where they're collaborating, they're not behind screens ... That really builds community."
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